When I got married, I just knew it would last forever. When I took that job that I was qualified for and paid a decent salary, I knew it would be the job I would retire from. I never imagined I would be divorced and working at a job that I dreaded, but in 2018 that’s where I found myself. Like everyone else, when I make decisions I do so with the best intentions and with the feeling that the results would be positive and long-lasting. In 2018, I found myself going through a divorce and working at a job that I did not like. So how in the hell do some of my decisions end in misery?
During one of my therapy sessions, I told my therapist I didn’t trust myself to make decisions anymore. All of the choices I made ended badly, so clearly I didn’t know what the hell I’m doing. It was to the point that I would overthink and procrastinate whenever I had to make a major decision. At the end of the session, I was left with the exercise of determining my core values.
What Are Personal Core Values?
Your values are the foundation that makes up who you are. They determine how you behave, what you stand for, and bring you closer to living a life that fulfills you. Think of personal core values as your compass. When you find yourself in a situation you are uncertain of, your values will point you in the direction that will bring you the most happiness.
Most importantly: your core values are about you. Nothing and no one else can determine your values for you. If you are determining your values based on the opinions of others, you aren’t being true to yourself. This is what I had been doing. I didn’t trust myself, so whatever people I felt were smarter than I said was right, I believed. Even though the choices I made were not bad, they were not choices that allowed me to be true to myself.
Take a moment to think back over the decisions you’ve made throughout life. Analyze why you made the choices you did. Was it based on your own thoughts and feelings or were you influenced by those around you?
Benefits of Knowing Your Core Values
When you know your values, you know what type of person you want to be. You also get clear on what you need and what your expectations are. Once you understand these things, you move through life more effortlessly. because:
- You handle difficult decisions better when you know what matters to you
- You avoid wasting your time on people and things that go against your values..
- You learn to trust yourself.
3 Questions I Asked to Find My Personal Core Values
Once I understood what core values were, I was ready to figure out what mine was. My therapist gave me a few exercises to do in her office and on my own to help me better understand myself. I love to journal, so I spent a lot of time writing down things that are important to me and what my favorite things are. But three questions really helped me dig into what I value the most.
1. When did I feel good?
Think about a time you were doing something and you lost track of time because you were enjoying yourself; or a time when you were so happy that you felt complete satisfaction.
For me, I notice I feel good when I’m creating something. Whether I was working retail setting up displays or in an office creating email templates, I loved jobs that allowed me to be creative. In my personal life, I feel good when I’m writing, decorating my home, or simply painting my nails. Reflecting on this question made me realize that I value creativity.
When you’re writing down the times you felt good focus on what you were doing, who you were with, and where you were. The more detail you provide, you’ll start to notice a pattern that’ll reveal what you value.
2. What upsets me?
What’s the one thing that pisses you off to no end? What are your pet peeves? What angers you can be an indication that one of your core values is being violated.
As I thought about this question, I realized I value autonomy/freedom. It pisses me off when I’m micromanaged. I get upset if I don’t have time for myself or my personal space.
Even things that make you sad can reveal one of your values. If you notice you feel irritated or sadden when you’re around people who lack empathy for others, this could mean compassion is one of your values.
3. Who inspires me?
Often times the people we admire embody some of our core values. Think about everyone you look up to: a relative, an actor, or a character on a TV show. What do you admire about them?
When I wrote out the people I admire and I realized the things they inspire in me are confidence, generosity, and beauty. The people you admire may inspire you to be brave, adventurous, or powerful.
Questions to ask when you’re thinking of the people who inspire you are: what do they do? How do they carry themselves?
A List of Personal Core Values
There are hundreds of core values, none of them more important than the other. Below I’ve included a list of the 20 most common values to help get your juices going as you write out your values. Don’t pick words that sound good or feel like the morally correct thing to say. Remember, this is for you, not anyone else.
| Accountability | Adventure | Balance | Compassion |
| Creativity | Curiosity | Discipline | Empathy |
| Freedom | Friendship | Growth | Honesty |
| Happiness | Health | Humor | Independence |
| Intelligence | Love | Money | Power |
Discovering your personal core values is not something you will be able to do in one sitting. Take a few days to sit with yourself and reflect on your life. It took me a few days to answer the above questions, so don’t beat yourself up if you can’t think of anything right away.
Also, core values are not set in stone; they change based on your life experiences. You also shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about what values you have or don’t have. If health didn’t make it on your list of values, it does not mean that you don’t care about it.
Now What?
Once I had a list of my core values, I focused on the top 10 (you can do more or less). I then looked at different areas of my life to see if I was honoring those values. Once I saw the areas I wanted to work on, I made goals to move towards including my values in those areas.
This part is tough because it requires you to step outside of your comfort zone. My previous career made me feel miserable. I dreaded going to work every day. It started to seep into my personal life and affect my health. When I looked at my core values, I realized that job went against almost all of my core values. I made a plan to change careers and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
Facing my limiting beliefs
Limiting beliefs are the negative thoughts and ideas we tell ourselves. These beliefs are instilled in us throughout ourlivese and they prevent us from living up to our true potential. Even if you take the time to discover your personal core values, your limiting beliefs can hold you back.
Some examples of limiting beliefs are:
- I don’t have enough [insert:: experience, education], so I’ll be stuck in this dead-end job forever.
- I am not attractive enough.
- I don’t know how to make friends.
- Things will never get better.
My biggest limiting belief is the idea that I am not good enough. Sadly, this thought has stopped me from applying for certain jobs, making friends, participating in certain activates, and asking for what I wanted. My favorite desserts to make are brownies and peach cobbler, but I always have the thought that my food is not good enough to bring family dinners. There are times when the thought gets the best of me and instead of baking I’ll bring a store-bought dessert instead.
That’s the crazy thing about limiting beliefs: even when you know they’re not true, they roll around in your mind until you start to believe them. There are many ways to challenge limiting beliefs, but my favorite is finding moments in my life that contradict the thought. So whenever I get the thought that my baking isn’t good enough, I remind myself that each time I’ve brought brownies or peach cobbler to a family function, they were always a hit! How do I know this? because my family tells me how good it is and I don’t have any leftovers to take back home.
The first step to making better decisions in life is to find out what you value. Once you know what you stand for, the chooses you make will reflect that. If you’re like me and you’ve spent a large part of your life not living based on your values, it will be a bit challenging to make the necessary changes to get yourself back on track. But it is worth it.
Jandra's Journal 