Growing up, I was taught to keep folks out of your business.
Don’t let people come to your house; other people like to see what you do and don’t have and judge you.
Don’t tell others your thoughts and opinions; they’ll just talk about you behind your back.
Don’t let others know you’re struggling; they’ll think you’re weak.
Being vulnerable was not allowed. You kept quiet about your pain, sadness, and anger and showed up in the world as if you were whole.
I stayed this way well into my adulthood. Whenever something was going wrong, or when I felt hurt or unhappy, I kept it to myself. Even when I felt the urge to share with others, I felt an immense amount of shame and fear. So I remained silent for years, letting everything-the good, bad, and ugly-build up inside me.
It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I decided to share the vulnerable pieces.
- I said out loud that I was going through a divorce.
- I said out loud that I was struggling with anxiety and depression.
- I said out loud that I hated my job.
- I said out loud that I was in therapy.
Brené Brown is right: shame cannot survive being spoken. The amount of love and support the people that care about me showed me was overwhelming. Were there negative, nasty people? Of course! But the love outweighed the negativity, and it gave me the strength to X some people out of my life.
I realized if I’m open and let people know when I’m hurting, it doesn’t necessarily make them run away screaming in fear, nor will they frown and whisper about me. Being vulnerable gave me empathy, love, support, and offers of help.
My favorite quote is by Maya Angelou:
I’m still learning to tell my story. Sometimes I still feel anxious when I share pieces of myself; there is still that little voice that tells me it’s dangerous to do so. But the more I do it, the quieter that voice becomes.
Jandra's Journal 
Let me start by saying you write beautifully. I’m glad to have come across your blog, because maneuvering through fear and shame is something I’ve been working on for the last few years. Like you, I was taught to be silent and “keep people out of my business” at an early age. I spent so much of my life putting up walls for fear of being seen as imperfect or flawed, I’ve found myself by myself in times where I should have been welcoming others in. It’s still a struggle for me to share parts of myself with others and actively practice transparency, but I am getting there (thanks to lots of journaling and reading Brene Brown, among other things). And it’s a great feeling. I have trusted the wrong people in the past and have been burned a few times, but like you said, the outpouring of love outweighs the bad experiences. Thank you so much for sharing your words in this space. It makes me feel like I’m not alone in feeling this way. I look forward to reading more here on your blog! You have a new reader in me!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Miss Dre. Thank you so much for your kind words!
LikeLike